To the Left, To the Left

She told me: Don’t ever think you’re irreplaceable.
So I started keeping two or three women on the side.
And she says I never listen.

Premarital Sex for Everyone

Nationnews.com

 This is a real life argument I used when a girlfriend became concerned that she was sinning by having sex with me, thus earning her one way ticket to hell. Thinking back on it now, I’m not certain if her concerns were genuine or if it was her ingenious plot to get a proposal out of me. She didn’t. But at the time, I believed she was truly troubled. I grew up with a relatively advanced knowledge of the Bible, and I couldn’t remember any verse specifically referring to sex out of wedlock being a sin. With a peaked curiosity and the resolve of a man determined to continue having sex, I dusted off my bible and with the help of the internet I formulated an argument to ease her mind.

The New Testament in the Bible refers to fornication enough times to obligate me to address it if I want to appear even the least bit credible. But what does fornication mean? “Fornication” is defined as premarital sex.

Some of you reading this may be thinking game over. But nobody puts baby in a corner. Realizing I was in a little trouble, I was forced to get creative. I decided to look up the etymology for the word.

The Latin word "fornix" means an archway. The Latin word "fornicatio" means done in the archway or done under the archway. In ancient Rome, prostitutes were solicited under the arches of buildings. So the word got its meaning from what people were doing under the archways with prostitutes.

The word originally meant one specific type of sex outside of marriage and, over time, turned into all forms of sex outside of marriage. The word fornication as we use it today, premarital sex, was first recorded in 1300 AD.

The word fornication is only found in the New Testament. There is a debate among Bible scholars on if the word fornication is the correct translation for the original word. The whole New Testament was written in Greek. The Greek word porneia is the word that is translated into fornication in our Bibles. “Porneia” more accurately translates into sexual sin, according to many bible scholars. Seriously, look it up. Sexual sin actually makes a lot more sense, because sexual sin is actually referenced throughout the Bible, whereas premarital sex really isn’t. (But I’ll get into more of that later.)

The Old Testament covered, rather extensively, what are considered sexual sins. Leviticus 20:10-21, Moses (or whoever wrote it) listed the sexual sins: Adultery, incest, homosexuality, beastiality, and having sex with a woman on her period. I believe this verse essentially covers what is considered a sexual sin.

The word fornication is used six times (Matthew 15:19, Mark 7:21, John 8:41, Acts 15:20, Acts 15:29, and Acts 21:25) in the Bible, the word fornicator is used twice (1 Corinthians 6:9 and Hebrews 13:4); all found in the New Testament. Every verse in the New Testament that referenced fornication lacked any context that would lead the reader to any particular meaning, for example: fornication is bad or thou must not fornicate. Go and check for yourself. I’ll wait.

The Bible does mention situations where premarital sex is wrong, but not in the way you would think. Exodus 22:16-17 says if a man takes a woman’s virginity he must pay the bride price and take her as his wife; unless the father objects to the marriage, then the man must pay the virgin price. This shows that a woman’s virginity is simply business. Virgins were worth more than women that had already known man (biblical euphemism). There is no higher moral reason for sex after marriage than to keep the woman’s monetary value as high as possible.

The best Biblical argument I can find to contest my position that premarital sex isn’t a sin is found in Deuteronomy 22:13-29. In verses 13-21, a man accuses his wife of not having been a virgin. The argument could be made, if she can’t prove her virginity going in to this marriage, then she could be put to death; therefore, having sex before marriage was a capital offense. I believe the crime is pretending to be a virgin when she isn’t. See Exodus 22:16-17, virgins are worth more. I see the crime as false advertising. If all women that were married that weren't virgins could be killed, then no widows or divorcees would ever marry; for fear of death. The next few verses in that passage from Deuteronomy involve adultery and rape. Rape seems to only be bad if the woman is engaged or married (adultery) or if she is a virgin (they have to get married).

There is a less compelling argument against sex before marriage found in 1 Corinthians 7:1-7. By using this argument the arguer has to acknowledge Paul’s position that sex within marriage is not ideal, and I have yet to witness anyone take that stance. (Catholic priests excluded.) Also, Paul makes it clear that this is only his opinion on the matter, “[b]ut this I say by way of concession, not of command. Yet I wish that all men were even as I myself am.” Paul preferred total abstinence, but because he was aware everyone was not as chaste as him, he figured marriage was the next best thing. This is not a strong argument that sex outside of marriage is wrong, only that premarital sex is more likely (in Paul’s opinion) to lead to sexual immorality than sex within a good Christian marriage. 

 I would also like to remind you that all of this was written when there were serious consequences for breaking the law. The penalty for all of the sexual sins, as outlined in Leviticus 20:10-21, required death, with the exception of sex during the woman’s period which meant temporary banishment. If sex before marriage were meant to be included among them, there would be a more severe punishment than paying the virgin fee and having to tell your fiancé you’re not a virgin. So I say premarital sex for everyone, that's why god invented condoms.

Scar

There was this kid I used to baby sit when I lived in Atlanta, he was very peculiar. I don’t believe he had many friends, at least he never seemed to play with the other children. He would even root for the bad guys in all the Disney movies I let the kids watch. I even remember once for Halloween he said he wanted to dress up like the Lion King.

I started showing him all these Simba costumes, and he said, “NO! I don’t want to be Simba, I want to be Scar.”

Confused, I said, “Why Scar? He’s the bad guy.”

He replied, “He isn’t bad, he’s just misunderstood. How would you like it if your brother was King of everything the light touched and you had nothing but a scar on your eye? And Mufasa doesn’t even care, some brother he is, he could give Scar some kind of position, make him feel useful, but he doesn’t, he just cares about himself and his immediate family, what a jerk! In school they say you can be anything you want to be, you can even be president, but when Scar tries to make his life better and be king, he gets vilified for it (he had an unusually big vocabulary for a boy his age), and it’s not fair”!

Completely taken off guard, but not to be outdone (especially by an eight year old), I responded, “But he killed his brother, that definitely makes him a bad guy.”

He shrugged his shoulders and said, “Sometimes you got to crack a few eggs to make an omelet.”
Okay, maybe he never said that last part, and maybe he didn’t say most of that. I get really carried away sometimes. Call it creative license. But he really did want to dress up as Scar. What a weird kid.

The Asshole

“You’re such a goddamned pussy! You never stand up for me. Whenever we’re out and I start talking or dancing with a guy, you never confront them, you just walk away and find some bitch to talk or dance with. You don’t care about me. If you cared you would grab me and pull me close to you when I’m talking to someone else. Get jealous for Christ’s sake. Show some fucking emotion! But no, you just walk away. And you say you love me. Look at me when I’m talking to you, you asshole,” she yells as I turn the tv louder.

Women

Isn’t it funny how before you have one, you’re lonely, self conscious, miserable, and all you want in life is a woman that cares about you that you can see naked and get intimate with from time to time. Then once you have one, you find yourself wanting to be alone, self conscious, miserable and all you want in life is a woman that cares about you that you can see naked and get intimate with from time to time.

The Alcoholics Credo

When exercise makes you feel fat; When school makes you feel dumb; When the opposite sex rejects you; When life treats you like a cheap whore by catching you at your low, fucking you, then stealing your wallet; alcohol won’t judge, insult, reject, or take advantage of you. It will be there for you when your god and all others forsake you. So drink up.

The Parable About Giving

Why do guys send women drinks? I never really got that. Is it because guys think their chances at hooking up with one of them increase the more the women drink? If so, and women know this, why do they accept the drinks...just because it’s free?

If that is the case, then what I would suggest is for guys to just go around offering girls drinks; not just at clubs, bars, or restaurants, but all the time: while walking your dogs, at work, or at the gym; since they’re free women will accept them.

Or are guys just trying to show off how much money they have, that they can send this lady who may or may not be interested, this overpriced alcoholic beverage? Then the most important question, are women really impressed by that?

Personally, I think it takes more for a broke guy to offer a girl a drink. Think about it, instead of buying himself a drink, he buys one for you. That’s sacrifice. Sacrifice is an attribute of love. So you can enjoy that drink and have a good time, he won’t be able to get the whopper value meal from Burger King; he’ll have to settle for a whopper Jr. with no fries or soda, so you can enjoy that Appletini.

I’m pretty sure I remember reading something like that in the Bible. I don’t remember exactly how it goes, but concept is still the same. The Pharisees were buying Jesus all these expensive drinks like Cristal and Margaritas with Patron, but Jesus wasn’t impressed, because they had much and what they offered him was so little.

But the poor widow brought Jesus a half shot of Sauza tequila, because it was all she could afford, and Jesus was much impressed by this so he took her home for some miraculous loving like only the Son of God could, and he showed her the mysteries of the Kingdom. He showed her...all over her face.

Don’t quote me on that, I might have a few of the facts mixed up, but I believe the moral of that parable was to practice safe sex. Because, if Jesus can get Herpes, then anyone can get Herpes. And there’s no cure for Herpes. That’s right, even Jesus can’t cure Herpes.